Once upon a time in 1988 (1988 is a time, trust me) a man called Freddy Krueger who insisted his real name was Robert Englund directed a not really very good film called 976-EVIL. It was about a pay telephone service that SURPRISE ACTUALLY WAS A PHONE NUMBER FOR SATAN WHO WOULD FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. It had the doctor from Star Trek in it. No, not that Star Trek, the other one. Freddy would not be allowed to direct another movie for 20 years.
Then in 2011 one night I was having a long dark night of the soul so I thought I would have cookies and wine in bed and stream something dark and soul-y from Netflix so naturally I sat through 1992’s somehow even-worse 976-EVIL 2.
If you’re like me you probably have one and only one question.
“Hi my name is Andrew or the name of a person like Andrew, and my question is how on earth could they have passed up an opportunity to make a number-based pun be the title of this sequel?!? I mean, why should The Fast and the Furious or the Step Up franchises get to have all the fun?”
This was a case for the Staircase Ghost. I put alcohol-fueled pen to paper and came up with the following proposed titles for the third and final installment of the trilogy. The one that will wrap up all the loose ends, like “Does Satan have unlimited texting, and is he also vulnerable to hilarious auto-correcting snafus” and “Why the fuck did you guys make another one of these awful movies?”
(These are funnier if you say them in horror movie trailer voice. Like most things.)
‘976-3VIL’ (get it?)
‘976-EVIL: To Continue In English, Press 3’
‘867-5309-EVIL: Jenny’s Revenge’
‘414-976-EVIL: Satan Takes Milwaukee’
‘976-EVIM’ (get it? Get it?)
These represent an exhaustive list of every possible title for the next movie. I have a treatment written up for each of them. Bigshot Hollywood producers, please beat a path to my door. I will work for scale. Or Thin Mint ice cream. Christ that stuff tastes good.
P.S. The director of 976-EVIL 2 later went on to direct The Witches of Breastwick, Para-Knockers Activity, and Cleavagefield.
P.P.S. No I am not making those up.